


It's okay to be okay

by TacticalCupcakes



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 17:09:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29654571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacticalCupcakes/pseuds/TacticalCupcakes
Summary: Monika feels like she has to be the best at everything she does in order to set an example for others, especially as the leader of her own club. However, she starts to doubt herself when one of her friends outperforms her on an exam.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	It's okay to be okay

The sun beams down happily as I walk to school, a skip in my step. Although most people would have some kind of anxiety surrounding today, I was feeling more than confident. The end of term exams were due to be graded, and I’d be able to add another high score to my mental leaderboard. Sure, it’s kind of petty, but I’ve always found pride in my academic abilities; it’s nice to have an objective scale rather than something nebulous like “Oh, yeah, Monika’s pretty smart”.

Sure enough, as I stroll through the doors, there are murmurs and a crowd of other students are huddled around the large board where everyone’s grades have been posted. I’m able to get close enough with relative ease, and scan from the bottom-up until I reached my name.

_91…? That’s not as high as I was expecting…_

I frown, trying to recall where I might have slipped up, but nothing was coming to mind. My peppy mood was quickly souring; this was supposed to be something great and happy, another set of high marks to show the world I matter. 

_I suppose it was a fairly difficult test; even with a score as low as 91, I still somehow managed to hit second. But who could possibly be ahead…?_

My heart stops briefly as I read the name and number.

_Natsuki…?! And 97… how could this have happened?!_

Natsuki’s not dumb or anything, but I know she can have trouble focusing sometimes, and she tends to not enjoy studying. So if she didn’t review anything before the test… how did she beat me by such a large margin? 

_If I scored so lowly even after spending so much time studying… maybe that means I'm not actually as smart as I thought? Perhaps this whole time, I’ve been psyching myself up with numbers that in reality aren’t that impressive?_

…

The rest of the day was kind of an empty blur until it was time for the club to meet. My legs listlessly carried me towards the clubroom, as if I wasn’t really present. With a sigh, I turned the handle of the door, and was greeted with a dark, empty room.

_Heh… I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. The idiot with nowhere to go wanders around only to sit in silence and wait for her peers to arrive, to remind her where she belongs._

Despite being this club’s president, sometimes I really don’t feel like a leader. Sayori is usually the one to break up any disagreements, Yuri is incredibly well-spoken and modest to a fault, Emery’s more sharp than I initially gave him credit for…

And now Natsuki is objectively more intelligent than me.

_Damn, I’m a terrible friend, aren’t I? Letting myself get jealous just because I’m not the best at something. Am I so pretentious to think that Natsuki couldn’t be smarter than me?_

As I’m wracking my tiny brain for answers, the others show up, engaged in some undoubtedly highly intellectual conversation.

“...and I was like,” Natsuki said, folding her arms smugly, “unlike you idiots, I only read _real_ literature!”

“Oh, you do, do you?” I interject, snapping upright.

“Uh… ‘hey’ to you too, Monika,” Natsuki looks up at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Would you care to share with us what your ‘real literature’ is?”

“Oh, uh, I was just making a bit of a joke about-”

“Ah, I see. Sorry, I guess it must’ve just gone right over my head!”

“...Monika,” Yuri tentatively reaches forward before quickly pulling her hand back, “i-is everything alright?”

“Just _peachy_.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mean to pry or anything, but-”

“Actually, I changed my mind; I’m not okay.”

_Leave it to the resident dunce to not even come up with a polite sounding lie._

“I’ll be right back,” I don’t wait for a response, and quickly leave the room.

“...did I do something?” I hear Natsuki’s confused voice behind the door.

I lean against the wall, focusing on the blank ceiling above me. _What the hell am I doing? Am I really going to be so petty as to derail today’s meeting? Perhaps it’d be better if someone else-_

“Monika?”

Sayori stands off to the side, her head tilted in curiosity. 

“What’s up?”

I close my eyes, and take a deep breath.

“Promise not to laugh or judge me too harshly, alright?”

She makes a crisscross motion across her chest, about where her heart is.

“Okay, so… I did really poorly on a big exam, and of all people _Natsuki_ totally aced it, and I… damn it, it’s so childish, but I feel like I can’t face her anymore. And I know it’s not her fault or anything, but there’s this part of me that can’t handle failing, and if Natsuki knows she crushed me in that exam, she’ll never let me hear the end of it, and-”

“Monika, I’m gonna need you to breathe, okay?”

It’s not until she brings it up that I notice I’m just short of hyperventilating. 

“Let’s break it down one step at a time, okay? First of all, it’s not the end of the world if you fail an exam; Sure, you might have to do some summer school or something, but you’ll be able to pull back from it. Though I’m honestly kind of surprised to hear that from you; you’re like, one of the smartest people I know.”

“Heh, I thought I was smart, then this happened…”

“Come on now, surely it wasn’t that bad? What did you end up getting on it?”

_No coming back from this now…_

“...ninety-one…”

Sayori stares back at me blankly, no doubt floored at how I could score so low.

“What? Geez, you had me worried for a hot minute there!” She laughs, “that’s an amazing grade!”

“Is it? It’s so much worse than how I normally perform, and Natsuki ended up getting-”

“We’re talking about you right now; we can get to Natsuki in a minute. You know that’s still an A- right?”

“Exactly! Minus! Sub-optimal!”

“Monika, you don’t have to be perfect.”

“But.. this sort of thing’s what I’m supposed to be good at, isn’t it? If I can’t even ace a simple test, what does that say about me?”  
“You’re still good at it! Just because you didn’t get the highest score doesn’t mean you did poorly!”

“Everyone expects me to be the best though… I don’t want to disappoint anyone…”

Sayori slides up closer to me, placing a hand on my shoulder.

“You don’t owe anyone else anything; all that matters is that you did your best.”

“Heh,” I can’t help but crack a smile, “you sound like an after-school special.”

“Well, technically this _is_ after school!” she sticks her tongue out at me. “But seriously… it’s okay to want to do well, but it’s also okay to not be the best in the world. As long as you are you, then you’re doing alright.”

_I’m not sure if that really means anything, but I can’t deny that it makes me feel a little better._

“...I’m sorry. I should be happy for Natsuki; I just can’t get over myself, you know?”

“Well, maybe that’s something to work on; accepting that it’s okay to just be okay sometimes.”

“...okay.”

“Do you still need a minute, or do you think you’re okay with popping back in?”

“I should probably-”

“No, don’t worry about what you ‘should’ do; how do you feel?”

Sayori really is wise; on the surface someone might write her off as just a carefree girl in her own world, but she has these moments where she’s surprisingly prudent.

“I think I’m okay” I respond with a smile.


End file.
